September 23

A glimpse of 1965, the usual ups and downs, TWO poems!

1965

Here I am again! It’s been a long time! Marty is going to school here. I’m going to a dance tomorrow night. I hope someone dances with me. (No one in particular, through.) Marcia says JR stares at me in history. There’s a sophomore who stares at me in Spanish! I sure hope this means something good - a change in me. 

Bob’s happy in college, Mom is ready to go back to work after an operation. Wish me luck tomorrow!

Comment 2023

Helloooo 16-year-old me! 

1981

Bingo! I had a pregnancy test today and passed with flying colors. Have since told Jim, Connie and Jack, Diane, Mom, Dad, Jim’s mother, brother and sister-in-law. Tried to call Bob but he wasn’t home.

Now it’s a matter of waiting and learning and preparing. Can’t change my mind. I think of the last 11 years of love and life with Jim and I think, “I’ve had that, now I want a family, too.” Well, 20 years of rising a family lies ahead. Then more years alone with Jim, I hope.

Well, I really am letting my plans run away!

Comment 2023

42 years later: so far, so good!

1982

The historiography class is working out well. There are lots of things I would change about it, next time round. The hardest part is when the two MS students discuss their ideas. Reminds me just how naive I was at that point. How I struggled to comprehend what research was. Not until I developed my proposal did I even begin to understand. Oh, the wrong turns I made!

1997

What if my bliss is nurturing? Nurturing children, nurturing my students, nurturing my Girl Scouts, nurturing my friends, etc.? Just trying and guiding and forgiving and trying again and loving no matter what? And is nurturing myself part of this?

Lord’s prayer, revised. 

Father-Mother, within me and around me. 
Your way be shown, your power be known
	by every living creature. 
Teach me to care for others as well as myself. 
Lift my spirit, keep it whole and turned toward the light. 
Let my life be a blessing, revealing your power.
Amen 
1997

Mom’s had four ECT treatments now and has shown a pattern of alternating improvement and regression. She’s not eating and expresses a desire to kill herself. She is barely rational most of the time. It is very, very discouraging. I couldn’t even get her to sign the rent check tonight, usually, I have been able to talk her into it. Not tonight. I’ll try again Thursday night. So, so sad.

1998

Doesn’t it seem strange that what isn’t in these pages is the stuff that occupies me totally some days? Since I last wrote, on 9/3, I spent a week traveling in Scotland, and attended four very intense meetings. Kiddo 1 got her driver’s license. She’s gotten up on her own and left on time EVERY SINGLE DAY  since school started. She’s sent in parts of two college applications. Kiddo 2 is working away conscientiously at school, and is growing less like a little boy every day. He still cuddles and climbs into my lap, though. Sweet fellow. I can’t say yet where he is heading - the next stage is shrouded in fog.

I’ve been trying to re-focus on my research, which was going so well before it was derailed by the Web Initiative in teaching, Adult Religious Education Scouts, and other distractions. The sabbatical year stretches out before me, but it isn’t infinite. (I wish!)

2014

(Facebook)

A student remarked yesterday that my office smelled really good. Pro tip: an opened bag of ground coffee works wonders.

(Journal)

Five of Wands, tilted right. A mother teaches her children to use their creative voices. She might be trying too hard. And I laughed out loud!!! Am I trying too hard to teach theory to undergrads?

Great work day, including a good conversation with the grad students in my writing group. Then went bowling with JL and scored 126-151-121. (!!!!!!!!!!!)

2017 (Nebraska)

Just when I was feeling contented about being back in North Platte, I went to breakfast and watched a dozen of my fellow Americans riveted to Fox News. Not eating and chatting, but watching intently. My heart sank. But still. Being here has given me new ideas about how to approach the book.

Hometown

If you knew how beautiful this place was, you’d never put a Walmart here. 
Or that Applebee’s, either. 
You’d never tear down that train station.
 If you knew beauty when you saw it, it would still be here.
Comment 2023

Don’t get too excited. That’s the book I ditched about a year later. I am working on its grandchild now, or a distant cousin. And by “working on”, I mean “thinking about it several times a day and putting down words a few times a week”. 

Finding these forgotten poems will never cease to amaze me.

2020 (California)

Drove to the Coppola vineyard for lunch. Positively wonderful salmon and fried zucchini; gorgeous surroundings. Then to Healdsburg and too much walking, gawking at the fancy places and reading flyers for million-dollar homes for sale. The nonbinary article moves slowly, but will get done.