September 18

I had a deep thought back in 1978...

1978

It annoys me that once the school year begins, my journal entries slow down. It’s not that I have nothing on my mind; my brain chatters constantly. But most of the time I am so keyed up that sitting down like this and writing is impossible.

Right now, my thoughts are flying around, bumping into each other. Foremost of Lowell Historical Park. It sounds so very interesting and I want to write to the National Park Service immediately. It uncovers an underlying misgiving that my future may not be my own.  Dr. Smith (dept chair) wants to keep me here, and so far I have not been entirely honest. When she mentions it, I smile docilely and say little. Jobs in this field are hard enough to find without souring every possibility.  But the Lowell project raises the specter of the inevitable. Someday I am going to have to be truthful with Dr. Smit. I like it here. Of all the places to teach and do research, Maryland is probably the best on the east coast, and I want to stay on the east coast.

But.

I have been in school or working at a school now for four years, and it will be six by the time I finish. The only non-academic jobs I’ve had were waitressing and retail sales. Do I need to try my hand outside academia? Or am I chasing rainbows, trying to feel more confident before I commit myself to a career?

Right now, as I sit here, I feel strongly that the establishment of the study of dress as a worthwhile enterprise is a calling that could occupy a lifetime. There are moments when its application seems elusive. To be trite, what good is fashion history? And is the “ivory tower” the place to do it? The chance to work in a  museum, with direct contact with the public, is tempting. But why? If it were useful, I could return to the classroom, more confident that my research is worthwhile. But what if it turned out to be futile? What is no one pays attention to museums, either? What then? Back to waitressing? Medical school? Social work? (Just kidding.) At the worst, I would be like so many other professors, believing that my “contribution” was important, when it isn’t.

My alternative is to focus on teaching my students to use their abilities and knowledge to benefit society, as well as themselves.

Enough time on this; now back to work.

1982

Time marches on. If I am on schedule and not pregnant, my period should start today. In the back of my mind, I feel like sitting here all day “until my period starts”. Silly bear!

1986

A good day’s work at the Smithsonian yesterday. It's been a nice change of pace, for the most part. Getting down there hasn't always been easy. I'm still pondering what I want to do during my sabbatical leave next year, especially if it involves the Smithsonian. A research project makes sense, but it sounds as if they may be too busy with the exhibit to deal with it.

Man, I'm dopey this morning. I'd like to take a shower and wash my hair, but I am just nodding off as I sit here. Maybe 40 winks would do me more good.

1997

A slightly weird day… With a dental appointment this afternoon, I am going in earlier to get work done this morning. So instead of Jane Fonda or other, I am walking to and from work. Regular exercise is making so much of a difference!

2003

Here comes Hurricane Isabel!

Schools are closed, rain is pouring down and the trees are swaying in the rising wind. Id we get through today and tomorrow with our power still on. Life is good. If I were alone, it could feel like a retreat, but with Kiddo 2 and Jannik and kiddo’s friend here it is more like a long weekend with three bored teenagers. 

2014

Woke up feeling crappy, so stayed home. I spent the time tidying the family room and taking a lovely long nap. Now it seems to be settling in my chest. So, a little enforced retreat. I had been planning a walkabout tomorrow. Will play it by ear.

2020

Sunrise in Central Indiana, painting the autumn-dried fields in golden light. Now I am listening to a meditation on universal, unconditional love. I slept well last night, despite achy shoulders I love the rocking motion of the train. Would prefer to be in the lower bunk.

2021

Busy, busy days, with not much downtime. But it was OK. Productive meetings, good conversations with friends and family. Summer weather was back, but not as horrible as a couple of weeks ago. And now a weekend with no obligations!!

2023

That entry from 1978 took me back. I’ve enjoyed just about every job I’ve ever had, but what led me back to school and eventually to my university career was the desire to do something meaningful beyond myself. Did I succeed? Yes, I think so. I planted some seeds that my students are harvesting, and my various writings have had a modest impact. The funny thing is that once you get accustomed to doing things that matter, it’s hard to stop. Six years into retirement, I still long for “work that is real”.

Comment 2024

And then I look around me at my elders - people in their 80s* and beyond. And wonder how long before…before what?

*less than five years away