May 24

A pause at 16, signs of movement later on

1965

An empty page

Comment 2023

What can I say?

1978

(Actually 25, but I excuse myself again.)

We had a long visit with Rudi, walking along the beach and later listening to records. I envy their life here - - a comfortable house, a garden, the bay only a few hundred feet away. It is a reminder of how much we are missing in Maryland, for all the advantages of being near a city.

Then we went to dinner (oh, lobster!) and to watch Rudi’s rehearsal. I had never seen him conduct before, and had never seen an orchestra’s first rehearsal. It was fascinating. Some people had never seen the music before, but could play it right through as if they had practiced for weeks. I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am impressed. I miss music.

Comment 2023

And so, thirteen years after I quit piano lessons, my desire to make music was stirring. It will be another fifteen (I think) before I take the plunge and sign up for fiddle lessons.

1980

Work continues. It’s going well, I think. I have committed some rather glaring sins of omission, but now’s no time to go back and fix them. Just learn from my errors!! I’m somewhat behind, having misjudged (1) how long the writing would take (2) how much reading I still had to do. Heh. Not bad for a 31-year-old lady almost-professor.

Comment 2023

Here begins Dissertation Summer.

1982

I had a real tough crisis weekend yesterday and the day before. It feels like I’m fighting Kiddo’s schedule and the submission required. My nursing book had something to say that I didn’t like at first — the successful breastfeeder is the “truly feminine person” who knows how to submit to externalities. I rebelled at that! But it also rang true. Certainly men and women can do most of the same jobs, have the same needs and talents, but men have control over themselves and women do not, by nature. They have menstrual periods and ovulatory cycles and they experience the physical changes of of pregnancy, childbirth, lactation, and menopause. Some women have tried to seize the reins by using the pill, sterilization, childbirth anesthesia, bottle feeding…but women today want to have their cake and eat it too. To have an unmedicated birth is to submit to labor and react to it, not control it. Breastfeeding is done on the baby’s schedule, not yours. To be a woman means to ride the waves; maybe I can hoist a sail, or learn to body surf. But a woman who has chosen to bear a child is not a powerboat.

I don’t think I want to be a powerboat; I am very aware of my ebbs and flows, I have learned to respond to myself. Now I need to learn to respond to an outer force. Forget what my department chair might want, or what my best friend expects, or what anyone expects. It’s ironic - - so far I ‘ve gone through this with Jim (What is a marriage? What are a husband and wife’s roles?) and with my own profession (what is a teacher, What is a scholar? What should I do? How successful do I want to be? How hard do I want to work?)

So I have decided that this month - all through June - I am going on vacation, to learn about Kiddo and about myself. This month I am not a powerboat, planning a week at a time. For one month, it is one day at a time. Savor it, Enjoy the pace. So far it’s been nice, today. Despite the cool and gray weather, I have felt sunny inside. Without making a list or egging myself on, I have:

Done exercises

Written in my journaling a thoughtful and exploratory manner

Washed my undies

Made the bed

Taken a nap

Made three important phone calls

Repotted the begonia

Thrown out the coleus

Made macaroni and cheese

Had several very nice nursing sessions

Made a trip to the garden

Tidied the living room

Comment 2023

It would be nice to believe that I have always been a staunch feminist, and a rebel against the gender binary rules. But if this journey is teaching me anything, it’s that my opinions and beliefs have changed over the decades, and not always in a straight line. This is oddly helpful in figuring out how to re-re-re-vise the Book. Yes, the Book is back.

1986

I swear I felt the baby move as I lay in the bath tonight. Seems early, though. I am also having trouble with varicose veins. Well, I will see Joel on Wednesday and will ask him what I can do.

Comment 2023

OB-GYN Joel said “try to stay off your feet”. I’m a teacher who walks all over campus, you doofus.

1994

Well, today is a half free day. This morning I will do errands. (Post office and vet) and grade papers. This afternoon I go to play music with DA and TS. Tomorrow I will go to the Tawes office and pack and get slides for Montreal. I should also do more grading, at home (and laundry)

 2021

I got a whole bunch of things done, including exercise, reading, practical writing, my weekly review, video editing. Some good spinning.

Comment 2023

My friend taught me to spin fiber with a standing spindle. It was soothing and meditative, but when I want yarn, I want it NOW. She still spins, and also weaves and is starting to crochet. She retired the same year I did and also gave up on a book-in-progress to immerse herself in craft. Something in the air around 2020?