May 1

1965

Is it that I hate everyone or that everyone hates me? or both? I don't want to hate. But today I did my work and when Dad came home, Mom told him I'd work 5 minutes and rest 30. That's a lie, but he believed her. Every time I talk to her about all that I have to do, she thinks it's some kind of contest. Of course she works more than I do. Her back hurts more than mine. I guess she thinks that because I don't constantly complain about it. What a bitter, hateful person I've become! I hate myself!

2006 Comment

Well, it's likely that my mother's back did hurt more than mine -- she eventually had to have back surgery, after years of being told it was all in her head and being improperly medicated, which screwed her up further. And since she worked part-time at a physically demanding job (nursing) while doing most of the housework and cooking, she also worked harder than I did. In fact, I don't ever remember seeing my mother just watching TV. She was always working at the same time -- ironing, mending, cooking or something.

But it is also true that I did more housework than my friends did, and don't recall my effort ever being acknowledged, except for being told it was not enough or not right. And it is very true that I learned not to talk to my parents about my worries and concerns, because they inevitably trivialized them.

Yet all in all, I realize now that my parents were, like most parents, doing the best they could and trying not to repeat the sins of their own parents. My mother told me much later how her mother had criticized all of her daughters incessantly, picking on their vulnerabilities and pitting them against each other. They had also all been physically punished for any omission of slight infraction of the rules, even as teenagers. She knew she had made mistakes of her own, but was relieved she had not repeated those of her own mother. How very familiar!

1976

Still waiting for word fro Maryland, and growing less optimistic by the day. It’s still within the time I expected, so there’s really no reason to despair yet. No more than a week ago. But I am not very patient, and not good at constructive waiting. For example, today I have been floating around, doing housework and other mindless chores. I did some weeding in the garden, before it began to rain. I will plant some things by Tuesday or Wednesday. Still too chilly for tomatoes, but the flowers can go in. I have to work on the bed rug paper, hope to have it done next week, and then do the little exhibit during exam week. Have to get on the stick!

I made lasagne tonight and it was good!

I think if I fart around this evening I will be ready to work tomorrow. The question is, what kid of farting around shall I do? Sewing sounds good. I have many little projects waiting for my attention.

1982

Comment 2024

So much for due dates and planning

1985

Kiddo’s third birthday. Each year brings such changes and such satisfaction. For all the stress, for all the uncertainty, it has been rewarding being a parent. Kiddo is very impressed with being three. She got a tricycle last night and is still working at mastering it. Now she is in her playroom, reading to her “babies”. Yes, yes, yes. I want another child. Not just if he or she is like Kiddo. You are wanted, whatever you are.

Comment 2023

It gets better! And Kiddo 2 was in no way similar to Kiddo 1.

1994

Kiddo #1’s twelfth birthday! Why does it feel like such a milestone? I think this is her last “kid” birthday - next year she becomes a teenager and will perhaps look very different.

This weekend I went on a retreat for the curriculum “Cakes for the Queen of Heaven”. It was a truly wonderful experience, very profoundly spiritual.

Comment 2023

I think I was remembering my twelfth year, when I grew 6 inches taller and was wearing misses size 14 by the time I started seventh grade. This did not happened to Kiddo 1. She did eventually grow into her very large feet. Proving that no matter how hard to try to teach your children lessons from your experience, they will follow their own path to adulthood. 

2003

Happy birthday, Kiddo 1! My first baby is twenty-one today, and may I ask, “how did that happen”? My eyes tear up when I think of how much fun I had with her when she was little. Not that she isn’t fun now - - she are more fun. But I miss having the kind of fun you can have with a little kid. The world just stops in its orbit, because they don’t feel the passing of time. Holding someone’s little hand. Getting a hug that knocks the wind out of you. Being worshipped for your infallibility. (Ha!) Those were great times. But it turned out well. She is still quite a marvelous creature, if I do say so myself.

I think today needs to be a retreat, though I don’t know how to do it. All I know is that going into campus for work as usual just doesn’t make sense.

Comment 2023

It gets even better!

2023

I have six items on my to do list for day. It is after 4:30 in the afternoon and I have done two of them. Perhaps I was a wee bit too ambitious? We’ll see; it’s not bedtime yet.

Yes, the teen years were a challenge, as everyone told me they would be. But we both survived, and that’s what counts. Babies were fascinating, little kids were fun, teens were fascinating, fun, and challenging. But let me tell you: grownup kids can be truly awesome. I’d like to see mine more often, but I don’t want to be the pushy mom I had. Kiddo 1 is a mom and a student, and it is the end of the school year. I remember what that was like!

I wrote “busy mom”and then realized that’s redundant.