June 4
"What am I asking for these days? The strength to give Mom the support she needs. The confidence to let Kiddo 1 live her own life."
1965
<crickets>
Comment 2023
I miss you, 1965 me. Why didn’t you write?
1977
I’ve now finished Riis, and think I’ll just put down some notes, not do a whole book report, as I thought I would. (A least, not right away.) I don’t know too much about Riis or about his impact on society. OK. We read his book seventy years later, and we are effected. But did he do what he set out to do? So I am going to go to the library on Monday or Tuesday and see what else I can find out.
1978
A picnic in Greenbelt Park was on the agenda, as it was a beautiful day. My feet are still a shambles, but today's activities were undemanding. I have a lot to do in the next two weeks, and this extension of my "vacation" has been great.
1979
Much, much later. So much for vacation. I visited and prattled, but did very little relaxing. It did serve to put some distance between me and the exam. Felt mature, talking to all my old friends. It's as if we have crossed an imperceptible boundary in the last year or so. Real jobs; houses; kids. Adulthood in all its varied forms. To them, I'm successful because I am in grad school. To me, I'm frustrated and terrified of failure. But well tended. I could go for a few three day weekends if they loosen us up like that.
Now to work!
1985
Boy, today I had my first grouchy day in months. Yelled at Kiddo, was really unreasonable. Very unpleasant. And, since I got my period four days ago, it's evidently not PMS. Just stress, I think. I feel so guilty when I think how I treated Kiddo. It's not physical abuse, but it certainly qualifies as emotional or psychological abuse. I must learn to avoid or reduce stress!!
1987 (First post since 5/9)
Well, that shows what May was like. It was a good month: Kiddo 1’s birthday, Mother’s Day, my birthday, was officially promoted (!) worked out the sabbatical thing with Woodies… I haven’t gotten a whole lot of work done, but the usual exams, grades, chasing around.
Connie’s baby arrived the day after my birthday. (How nice!) We are planning to head up to CT and NY later this month and see him.
Our church friends moved across the street, and I am finding it great fun. (So is Kiddo, being so close to her best friend.) I wish I would write more; it’s bee so long and there’s a lot I want to remember and mull over. But I’m pooped.
1988
June 4 or is it 5?
Things are moving along somehow. I’ve gotten a couple of hours of writing done each day, plus chipped away at some other stuff. Getting ready to go back is helping in a way. There’s so much crap I need to get out of the way before July 1. But the writing is going well.
Kiddo 2 is waking up at 6 or 7 or so these days, which works well. I almost need to start getting up at 5:30 again, just to get a jump on him. Kiddo 1 alternates between between astonishingly mature and incredibly childish. Childish she’s entitled to, of course, but sometimes it’s pain-in-the-ass childish.
Bob is coming to visit in July, which is a marvelous carrot to keep me going. Wouldn’t it be great if I could be all caught up by then and really feel at leisure? But that’s not going to be easy. We’re going to Connecticut in what - - two weeks? But I’ll keep chipping away. No wonder Kiddo 1 gets C’s in handwriting.
1991
I had a long meeting with Bob Dorfman on Monday. He’s an excellent listener, but says very little. Alas, I blabbed on. God knows what he thought. I laid myself bare, in some ways. I wonder who he talks to. This has been a very interesting experience. I wish I knew how it would end!
The talk left me me feeling relieved in an odd way. I think that this time next year I will be looking forward to something, something good. Maybe just a pleasant return to teaching and research.
1997
Pittsburgh was more than pleasant, it was downright refreshing. In am now engulfed in two tasks: finding a nursing home for Mom and getting ready for class this Saturday. Neither is going smoothly, thanks to Kiddo 2 being home sick for two days and Kiddo 1 reverting to 13 for (I hope) a brief time. But today Kiddo 2 is back to school, and the rain has stopped, for two days they say. (Sounds wonderful.)
Ask and you shall receive,
Seek and you shall find,
Knock and it will be opened.
What am I asking for these days? The strength to give Mom the support she needs. The confidence to let Kiddo 1 live her own life. The self discipline to accomplish the things I need to do right now. Some time to reflect each day and calm myself down.
Comment 2013
If you’ve never dealt with aging parents, you just can’t imagine. Wow, did I do it?
2016
Muhammad Ali died last night at 74. Another giant of my life gone. He was seven years my senior; when he was a rising star I was not yet in my teens. I remember watching the young Cassius Clay on TV in the 1960 Olympics when I was 11. My dad loved boxing. I do not, and never have. I turn away from the screen for SRK is more brutal fights and Rocky (the first one) was enough for me. Much as I admire DiNiro, I have never seen Raging bull and never will.
But Muhammad Ali was more than a boxer and a celebrity. He was a principaled person who used his celebrity to work for positive change in the world. He was a courageous person who could walk away from a lucrative career at his peak by taking a controversial stand on the most contentious issue of our generation. His appearance of the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, his entire body trembling as he lit the Olympic flame, broke my heart and yet raised my spirits. Still alive. Still fighting. Still witnessing. The fact that the world is plagued by people who use the power of celebrity to make themselves even bigger by belittling and crushing others makes the loss of Muhammad Ali even sadder. Every empty-souled celebrity on the planet needs to look in the mirror today and measure the distance between their lives and his.
There are times when the words struggle to get on the page, and times when they pour out, unbidden. This is one of those mornings. Instead of freeform morning pages, brain droppings in no particular order, I have several tumbling streams all vying to come to the surface. Muhammad Ali. Donald Fucking Trump. Girly Culture (trying to read the article) and the Vestoj article. It dawns on me that this weekend is a loss, or nearly so. All I have is this morning and a wee bit of time tomorrow morning. Must draft at least 500 to 800 words!! I think I need to write some new words not just revise the old stuff. Reading the “girly” article is a start, and then maybe a blog post for Gender Mystique will make it work.
The new computer location is OK. It is so bright by 10 o'clock that I need sunglasses to type, though. So I may be moving it to a darker corner. On the other hand, this is a perfect place for writing and drawing on paper. I spent about 30 minutes last night just watching SRK videos and then browsing images of him online. Geez, Louise. Eight months in and I'm still hopelessly besotted. Dammit. It is getting the way of my focus as much as Candy Crush.
A quick bathroom break…
…and now a few more lines before I move onto the next thing. Having my new Everything Else blog is actually helping move stuff from my head to the page to a public post. I need to write every day again. Three more lines.
I feel like Charlie Brown (or was it Linus) writing a book report on Peter Rabbit.
And he was very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very,
Happy to be home!
Comment 2023
Somehow in 2015, I found myself experiencing my first celebrity crush since high school. Shah Rukh Khan, King Khan, The King of Romance, the biggest movie star in the world. It was quite a distraction for well over a year, and now I have my fantasies under control. I still have the 28 photos on my phone, but he’s not on my Lock Screen.
2019
Library of Congress
Trivia > We’re #1!!
Besides the LOC (to renew my researcher card) I also went to the National Gallery and saw the new exhibits on Animals in Japanese Art, which was amazing and wonderful.
2023
I spend several hours today trying to get Scrivener and Dropbox to play nicely together. I hate you, hate you, HATE YOU Dropbox! And I love Scrivener, but wish they would divorce Dropbox.
On the other hand, I think I have figured out how to make the book happen. It starts with re-reading my 1980 dissertation (where I just found another typo).