July 9
I think I've had an orgasm between my ears.
1966
Had a “date” with Juan today. He took me to a museum (San Carlos) and to his hi-skool. The H.S. is the oldest on the continent- built in 1542. It is beautiful, with courtyards and murals by Orozco and Rivera.
Then went to a glass factory with the Dorings. Mrs. Doring bought 176 pesos worth of glass - 3 boxes! I got 28 pesos worth: six glasses and a pitcher. $2.24!
Then we went to the Aurrera again. I got toothpaste and two cans of Maja talc. It’s very nice!
Comment 2023
It is possible that I got the date wrong (esp. if Juan was speaking Spanish) and it was the Colegio de San Ildefonso (founded 1588), now a museum and cultural center.
1978
After seeing “The Last Waltz"
I have a demon inside me. If I knew I was capable of creating anything, I could call it my creative impulse. But what it is, I think, is my feelings… My senses… My soul… Whatever the word… Vibrating in sympathy with the beauty of this life. At times like these, I feel super aware, trembling with revelation, but when I open my mouth nothing comes out. How often have I felt this, and turned to act or write, only to have the vibration stop short, as if some huge muffling hand had surrounded by soul? No guitar, no piano, not even a comfortable sound of my own singing, has ever given expression to this unbearable desire to ______. To what? If not to make music, then perhaps to make art. So I have bought crayons and ink and sable brushes that I store away until the tremors come. And then, I have faced the waiting page time and time again, eyes aching, hands clenched… And still nothing comes. So that was not the meaning of the urge, either.
Always I had the desire to talk to someone else who knows this torture. We could cry aloud, dissipating the noise and distraction in our heads, leaving behind the essence of what it is we must do.
Once rid of its echoes and eddies, that have been blurred my perception of this need for so long, I would look and see it clearly. Like a single brilliant star, like a cardinal in the snow, it will show itself to me clearly, and blessed, sweet release will follow. It is that peaceful depth, so far beyond my whirling thoughts - that's what I want!
I think I've had an orgasm between my ears. As I wrote, the sensation built, then its pitch deepened and the waves began to break until I fell over backwards from their fury. Regaining my senses as the blood filled my face, I heard a bicycle horn’s insistent sound outside my window, and the anxiety I had felt was gone.
Twice now I have heard a whining voice whisper “How could you sell this? Perhaps a short story” and I have fought to push it aside. This is for me, for me alone. Alone.
At this rate a book would take 1000 years, especially if its core is invisible to me. By “core” I mean it's skeleton, the framework for my words. I've written a thesis, and long term papers, works of modest verbosity and meticulous research. But the framework was there first, and I could poke for it now and then, feeling safe. That was a Victorian carnival ride, at a stately speed, with no danger and no risk, but this is a free fall, much to my horror.
I want to tell you about my life, not because I am in anywhere unique. I feel like a piano tuner, seeking resonance. We are not alone in our experiences, we only feel alone because we stop the waves of feeling with walls of insulation. I think they must resemble thick mummy cases of soft, gray, corrugated material, incredibly light. Now and then I find a hole in mine, a filmy window or a tiny chink through which I think I see something. Or a corner of something: an elbow or spire.
The point is, I don't think my muffler is unique. Once or twice I have looked out and seen an eye looking back. I've even seen a smile and more tears than I thought I could stand.
So sometimes I'm going to try to put down the things I've seen that touched me deep inside, setting off those beautiful, unbearably painful vibrations.
No more for now..
Comment 2023
No, I was not high. There was something in the air in 1978, for sure. I wrote two very long entries on July 9th, first the beginning of a story about my summer theater job in upstate New York, and then the surrealistic, ecstatic stream of consciousness post about creativity. Graduate school was really messing with me!
1979
So far I have been very good. (So much for one morning of first steps.) I would still prefer to snooze rather than deal with the space problem for the costume collection, but I’m gritting my teeth.
1986
Another hot one today, but a break is promised for tomorrow and Friday. Most of my discomfort is a function of either the heat or eating. I'm carrying this baby higher than I did Kiddo 1, and it's taking its toll on the size of my stomach!
Funny, amniocentesis was a week ago yesterday. Most of my anxiety was experienced before the counseling session. Then I had a peak just around the time of the test. But since then I’ve forgotten about it. Am I nervous about the results? Only slightly – – about as much as I would be if I were close to term. I was very afraid something awful had happened when Kiddo 1 started coming early, for example – – more afraid than I am now. The chance to find out if it's a girl or a boy is ample compensation for the stress of the procedure. Sort of a reward for being such a good patient.
Either would be fine with me, though, like last time, I'm aware that other people would like to see a boy, and I'm always eager to please. Time to cut the chatter and take a shower.
Comment 2023
“Other people”= mainly my mother-in-law, since all her grandchildren at that point had been girls.
1988
Bob arrives tomorrow for a 6-day visit. At last! We’ll have such a good time, with all the kids. I wish Kiddo 1 didn’t have her Smithsonian class, but that’s just how it goes. Here’s the agenda:
1997
Funny how Sarah B-B and I have been on different paths for a while. She’s been into home decor and now food. I have read politely but with only surface interest. I do intend to think about food today, to consider the possibilities lurking in the fridge. I would like to learn to make risotto. Don’’t know why.
Comment 2023
You need a reason? Why not just because it’s delicious?
2003
Well, Kiddo 1 may have moved her bed to Baltimore, but she’s been sleeping here the last two nights. She had gamelan performances that kept her out late and didn’t want to arrive in Baltimore after midnight with a load of stuff in her car. She doesn’t have a job yet, but I am sure something will come up.
I have two days to tie up loose ends before I head to Montana. Lordy, I hope I can get some writing and planning done on this trip.
My thinking on undergraduate research got seriously derailed by the trip to Boston. I do have a lot more research done and a better chance of getting the article published. But I just need to write the dang thing. After that, I think, comes the learning styles presentation and planning for AMST201.
2024
My friends’ kid is on Jeopardy!!!! I considered changing my subtitle for this post, but this is also giving me a cranial orgasm.
