July 29

Is this the day I became an old lady? Have I just “let myself go”?

1990

We picked up Kiddo 1 yesterday. She had a good time - - talks about it out of the blue, with funny stories. Sings camp songs constantly! So the magic of Girl Scout camp was there, just like I remember it from 1965.

Now I am on vacation for three weeks! What a thrill. I have a mental list of things I’d like to do: sewing, swimming, a bit of touristing, reading, tidying, even decorating. How much I actually accomplish is a big questions always. At least I’m not hopelessly behind in any project. And my conference-planning days are behind me.

At some point I need to make the jump to a full time position again, either in the college or the department. Splitting my time and attention is too exhausting. For a while recently, I had my plan neatly worked out:

(Age, position)

40 to 45 half time Assistant Dean
45-50 full time in Department, publish more, get promoted to Professor
50-55 Department Chair
55-60 Dean
60-? Full time in department or maybe administration at the campus level.

Comment 2024

I know it’s not SNL level humor, but that “plan” is the funniest thing I have read in a very long time. When I wrote that journal entry in 1990, at the age of 41, my plan seemed reasonable. But the Universe laughs at plans, and everything after that was just improvisation.

Here’s what actually happened:

 38-43 Associate Professor, Department of Textiles and Consumer Economics  
40-42 Assistant Dean for Student Affairs, College of Human Ecology  (joint app’t) So far, so good!
- BOOM! TXCE department and HUMEC college disbanded -
42-43 Acting Department Head, TXCE Department  (Booooooo!)
43- 66 Associate Professor, Department of American Studies (wandering in the desert)
During that time, I kept being steered into administration:
AMST Director of Undergraduate Studies (three direct times!), AMST Director of
Graduate Studies (twice!), Co-Director, College Park Scholars - American Cultures (6
years).
At 60, I got my scholarly groove back, so that FINALLY:
66-68 Professor, Department of American Studies
68 Retired, before they could make me Department Chair. My most brilliant career move!

2018

Sunday

Just a little bit of work this morning, before heading to church and cider tasting with LB.

2020 (Avon, North Carolina)

Not a poem, just a list of thoughts

So much water
So much sleep
Jet skis = bad
Kitesurfing = good
Warm, damp air = pleasant
The company of smart, sassy women = excellent
Thunderstorms at dawn = awesome and scary

There will be a sunset tonight.
And I wish I’d brought a sweater.

2016

The DNC convention is over and I am looking forward to getting back to a sane bedtime and a reasonable schedule. I have been staying up until 12:30 or later for most of the last two weeks. No naps, either, most days. So I am exhausted. Not much work has been accomplished, though the sense of leisure has been great. I just wish the weather was more pleasant. Hot, sticky, and oppressive - taking walks has been out of the question, morning or evening. The sky looks deceptively clear. I will not be fooled.

There are things to do on the horizon, and I do need to step it up before they all land on me. Beer dinner. Invisalign. Manuscript reviews. Respond to blog comments. More blogging. READING and note taking. I am keeping myself going with these morning pages as much as I can. Candy Crush and Facebook take up too much time. I need to back off from both.

Jim will be happier when he goes back to work. I know he dislikes the post-surgical self care. Until it becomes routine, he needs emotional support and a bit of pampering.

“So let go” The last line of “God is a River”. Such good advice. I’ve been holding all my resentment and fear so close, it is practically embedded in my body. Deep breath, Jo. Let go. Just let go. If tears come, let them. It’s been too long. I need to write more flash fiction. It’s very satisfying. Most of the other FF writers seem young, even very young. But it’s all about trying to get words out, thoughts on paper.

Is this the day I became an old lady? Have I just “let myself go”?

Comment 2023

That’s a very inside joke, a personal one. When I was little, I remember hearing about women who had “let themselves go”, and thinking it sounded like wonderful fun. 

About Jim’s situation: I don’t mean to be too vague, but also want to spare him ever reading this. It was a common Older Guy surgery, and he was not pleased. But he’s fine today. And still doesn’t talk much about it, except with other Older Guys. I am sure the Older Guys out there will understand.

2023

July 29 is not ordinary this year. After a week of preparation, we will be celebrating the life of my dear friend Sandy this afternoon. It is a strange thing that in the 30+ years that I knew her, I have not yet encountered her in my journals. Sometimes life can be special and ordinary at the same time.

2024

It is a little embarrassing that in all these years, I have rarely journaled about anything important.