July 24
I sincerely doubt that I ever would have written so much about clothing and gender if I hadn’t had a girl and boy, born exactly when they were. Thanks, Kiddos.
1966
Spent all day thinking of Juan. Even got up a crummy excuse to come home to see him -twice. I like him. Does he really like me? I wish I had another margarita so I could find out like I did with Alvaro. He never called again. I suppose he thot (sic) I was just trying to get rid of him when I told him the C’s were expecting an important call. Too bad.
I like Juan. When I think of his hand on my back - pressing so gently - and his other hand squeezing my hand - and how Good it felt. And the kisses on my neck. And the good night, when I offered my hand and he just pulled me closer and kissed my cheek And my clumsy, inexperienced peck. And then he kissed me again - a tournament.
I just can’t stop thinking of him. I like Juan.
But does he mean it?
Is he for real?
Does he like me?
I hope so, but not too much. I’m already afraid to leave Mexico. I’m going to cry, I know.
Comment 2023
Was I the only girl of the 1960s who was this suspicious and untrusting? He invited me to a party! He danced with me most of the night! He kissed me! And I am wondering if he really likes me, or just pretending so he could “take advantage of me”? That’s the warning I got from my mother, from teen magazines, from my friends, even from my father: “Boys are only after one thing”, he said, “I know, because I was one.”
1979
I’m coming along pretty well. Of course, I notice my efforts are usually at their peak on Monday and dwindle through the week.
1985
Well, I saw my OBGYN tonight. This cervical dysplasia is gonna but a crimp in my plans. I had hoped that after the cone biopsy we could start trying for another baby in a month or so. As it turns out, I have to wait 6 moths and then hope for a normal Pap smear.
So, biopsy in August, then a Pap smear a week later, then again in February. So conception in March at the earliest. Baby in December 1986…not so bad, I think.
It’s amazing how quickly this threat to me child-bearing crystalized my views on having a second kid. I was FIERCELY disappointed when he said we’d have to wait 6 months. That fact one had me close to tears as I walked to the car. Let me tell you, child #2 - you were wanted, and that’s the truth! Powerfully.
With Kiddo ! I wanted something I knew nothing about. With you - and I hope there is a you - I want you despite the sleepless night, the poopy diapers, and the temper tantrums.
At least that gives me this year to focus and get ready. And December 1986 means we would only have double daycare for 1/2 a year, until Kiddo starts school. There are advantages.
Still, the whole thing sucks.
1986
Amniocentesis results are in. The baby is fine, and it’s a boy. I was so relieved that they haven’t found any problems, and initially pleased to know its’ a boy. Since then I’ve been more ambivalent, probably due to:
My wondering if boys really are harder to handle
A sense of loss akin to what I felt after Kiddo 1 was born and I had to relinquish half of my baby fantasies
Concern that Kiddo 1 would be disappointed if it wasn’t a sister (she didn’t seem to be)
A feeling of inadequacy…what doI know about boys? At least with Kiddo 1 and then another girl, I’d be on familiar territory.
But most of all, I think I feel a little down because now I know , and there are 4 1/2 months to wait. If Kiddo 1 is in there, I want him NOW! It is neat being able to think of “it” as a being with a name and at least one characteristic: a penis. Beyond that, he’s still a cipher.
Tall, like Kiddo 1 and me?
Head full of hair like Jim and Kiddo 1, or bald, like baby Jo?
Active? Or thoughtful, like Kiddo 1?
How will I respond to the challenge of non-sexist childrearing for a BOY?
1993
Kiddo 1 returns from a week at Camp May Flather today. I’ve missed her this week. I’ve been doing freshman orientation, looking at all these 17-and 18-year olds — Kiddo in six more years. SIX more years! I know that doesn’t sound like much, but the years are slippery now. I worry so much, as she moves into adolescence. Have I prepared her for the stress, the sadness, the excitement, the dangers? Have we made the right choices about schools or is my own personal paranoia about private schools blinding me to their benefits? Will she ever grow mature tastebuds and stop being such picky eater? Geez, parenthood is a trip, alright. An a much scarier one than I expected.
Funny how right now I am less worried about Kiddo 2. A year ago it was reversed, but they change so much from year to year. Kiddo 2’s hit a very nice equilibrium just as Kiddo 1 is starting to oscillate a bit.
Me, I’m just cruising with the top down, listening to King Lear on the tape deck.
1996
Kiddo 2 has gone off to his sculpture class, and Kiddo 1 is still asleep. After K2 left, I pulled out an exercise tape and did 30 minutes with my old friend Cynthia. It’s such a funny tape. She is real girl-next-door. Almost ditzy, and she doesn’t really have all the moves down. But she seems like an unthreatening friend, and the workout is good. Feels good, too. I am finding that coming up with one or two interesting physical things to do every day has been fun. Sometimes, it’s a walk. Today I might swim, too. It’s going to be hot.
I got a lot done on the book last week, but haven’t touched it since. Ho-hum. Today for sure.
The computer has been at the computer doctor all week and then some. So I have weaned myself from the tyranny of the microchip. Maybe that’s where the exercise time has come from!
Comment 2023
I still have no idea what book I was working on in 1996.
1997
My favorite solitary pleasures:
Reading
Sorting
Organizing
Sewing
Cooking
Browsing/shopping (hunter-gatherer mode)
Doodling
Piano
Talking to myself
Writing
Comment 2023
My favorite solitary pleasures:
Listening to audio books or podcasts while I knit
Listening to audio books or podcasts while I walk
Listening to music while I knit or walk
Writing
Watching Indian movies
Reading good stuff on Substack