January 8

I owe it to myself to be happy with what is.

1965

Ho Hum! We saw "Lili" tonight it's an old movie - 1953, but it's good. It was awfully short, though. When I got home I was awfully cranky -somehow it felt good. I want to be an actress someday and revive movies like "Lili" - no deep psychological motive, just a boy meets girl plot and some catchy music. A happy movie. Movies nowadays are too complicated. They have to mean something. Bah!

Comment 2006

An evening I remember well. Pity that each page in my diary was only 4 1/2 inches long, with 20 lines per day. I could fit 3-5 words per line, so about 100 words a day. My LiveJournal entry would have been much longer.
My father, mother and I saw the movie over in Millbrook, New York, at some artsy theatre that specialized in old films. "Lili" was, indeed, short -- 81 minutes. It featured Leslie Caron ("an American in Paris", "Daddy Long Legs" "Gigi") in a sweet little love triangle with Jean-Pierre Aumont and Mel Ferrer.
A viewer in IMBb comments, "I do remember being entranced and a bit haunted by the movie Lili. I was easily able to relate to Lili's encounter with the puppets that became her confidants and friends when the adult world became too hard to handle." In fact, Lili adores the magician (Aumont) but he is distant and unavailable, as well as charming. Ferrer plays the crippled carnival owner/puppeteer who loves Lili but can only speak to her through his puppets.
So after seeing this beautiful little movie, and singing the title song all the way home in the back seat of our Chevy, feeling happily enchanted, I walked into the kitchen and KICKED THE TRASH CAN ACROSS THE ROOM. My parents were shocked; I was mortified. I picked up the trash and went to my room and wrote in my diary.
It's hard to say where I got the comment about movies being too complicated. In the previous year, I had seen "Dr. Strangelove", "Mary Poppins", "My Fair Lady", "Becket", "The Chalk Garden", "Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte", "Hard Day's Night" and "Goldfinger". It strikes me know that I was just changing the subject away from the uncomfortable message in "Lili"'s sweet little love story -- that sometimes happiness means losing the charming magician and falling for the crippled puppeteer.

"Lili" won the Oscar for best musical score. It received nominations for Best Actress in a Leading Role, Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Director, and Best Writing, Screenplay. My favorite award for the film: a special mention at Cannes "For the charming acting". c'est vrai.
More about "Lili" can be found on Wikipedia (of course). Among other factoids, it mentions that publicity for the film included the first known use of emoticons: a smiley, a frowny and a heart.

Comment 2023

I have no idea where that kick came from, even now that another 17 years have passed. But these words came to me:

Still Waters

Yes, they do run deep.

Deep and troubled,

Beneath the winter ice.

1978

One more week of vacation, and I can’t decide whether to savor it or start to gear up for the spring marathon. Dr. Smith has “work plans” for me, so there goes a portion of my time. Then there’s the Smithsonian research thing to apply for. (The Chinese be damned; this is the year of the long shot. Do you suppose that’s what they mean by the “year of the horse”?)

I expect the rejection from Danforth any day now. It’s less annoying that I be disappointed than that I’ll have to pass the news along to all the people who had faith in me and wrote recommendations.

There’s a downright balmy breeze blowing outside, as if it were April, not January.

1980

I had an idea. Boys Scouts as a reaction to the decline of the American male. But also other overcompensation as a reaction “sex role” threats”. Waves of macaronis, dandies, beaux, dudes, etc. followed by war or other aggressive action. Is that possible? How to check? And how does women’s dress fit in? Does it contribute to sex-role stress, or can it mitigate it by becoming hyper feminine?

1985

I am now enlightened about house hunting. Also worn out.

The “needs work” house on Underwood Street is marvelous. It would be perfect, if we can get favorable terms. Otherwise, it’s way too expensive. But it’s so spacious. It would be expensive to fix up and to heat, but what a house! It’s big. Deep down inside, I want a bigger house, for space to work at home. DIY is our best best. But if only Jim agrees. I like it, and I want him to like it, too. Also, I value his opinion. He’s too level-headed to buy a house on love alone.

1986

After a trip to Blacksburg, I am back to being conflicted. I would enjoy working there. I would enjoy that job. I also would really hate to pull Jim away from his job at Woodies. I don’t like giving up what I have here at Maryland, and the research opportunities at the Smithsonian and the Library of Congress and other libraries.

Dr. Smith wants to see me today. I hope, deep down inside, that she will have an offer that makes the decision easy. I think I want to stay here for a while, but not forever.

1997

So how do I seek happiness despite feelings of anxiety and anger? The kiddos annoy me with their immaturity, but they can’t help it. But I woke up today, my back didn’t hurt, and the sun was shining through the trees. This will be a busy day, but it can still be beautiful. I owe it to myself to be happy with what is.

Later: It was a busy day. Working at the office is always weird, either way. I am either too isolated or have too many interruptions. Hope it does snow tomorrow, just no sleet and ice.

1998

[This is a hard one to transcribe, but important.]

The assignment was to list influential people in my life, by 5-year segments, then to describe the influence of the names that show up the most.

Bob:My big brother. I loved and worshipped him as a child. I also let him tease me and interrupt me, because he was older, bigger, and smarter. His crazy creativity was my standard of excellence, and I placed him on such a pedestal that I could NEVER live up to the same standard.

Dad: When he was there, he served as a model of literacy and word-loving, and a scorching critic of “phonies”, “eggheads” and “hypocrites”. When he left - - and he withdrew from my life when I was about eleven - - I tried to play to his interests to get his attention again. When that failed, I thought was my fault. Not until after he died did I realize that it was his problem all along.

Mom: My biggest fan and biggest critic. She was a nit-picker; critical when it came to details. But overall, she loved everything I did and bragged about it to everyone. Puzzling and contradictory, generally positive but couldn’t resist adding just one little comment just to keep me humble. And I am so much like her. Healing myself will be a way of healing Mom.

2013

My impatience is obvious. I try to anticipate, to be prepared. But prepared for what? The teaching article has been a slog. I need to turn to the book and not only get started, but stay on track.