February 17

I do not remember this story.

1965

I LOVE V - EVEN IF HE IS AN IDIOT!

At 9:30 Dad brought a friend of his home. His name is Bob something, he's single and about 26 years old. And cute and sweet and about 5'4". Shucks! Why are all the nice guys short? Why am I so tall? I hate being tall sometimes! I feel so awkward. Well it's 10:45 PM! I'd better get to sleep . I've got to look beautiful for V tomorrow! I wish he'd notice me and say something. Anything I say turns into a wisecrack or an insult!

RATS! RATS! RATS!

Comment 2023

Would it make 1965 me happy to know that I wouldn’t always be so tall? According to my most recent checkup, I’m nearly average now. By February 17, I had developed a habit of hanging out where V might be - basketball games, especially - and sitting with a group of girls who knew him better than I did. If he came over to talk, there would be a little light banter between them and V. I would sort of join in, with my own special love language: sarcasm. RATS, RATS, RATS, indeed!

1978

Here I lie on the bed, with the usual Friday headache…Thinking about all the work I have to do this weekend. No wonder I have a headache.

I need to read Cross of Culture. What a dull book! (Seven more to-do items follow, ranging from lecture preparation to hand laundry.) 

But right now, I have a headache, and I do believe I won’t do nuthin’.

1982

I am not getting as much done on my research as I’d hoped. Teaching is taking lots of time, especially grading, because my classes are so big. It’s hard to think right now, with the baby bumping around. I’ve been imagining a girl more lately. A long-limbed brunette with a feminine version of Jim’s face. Whatever it is, it sure is energetic this morning. Just three months to go!

1985

A month from now we’ll be in our new house. Aargh! The move is less scary than the amount of repairs that need to be done. The time and money it will require is paralyzing at times. I can’t even imagine what to do first. Windows, insulation, gutters, grading the back yard, painting, kitchen. Caulking, repointing. So very, very much, and it can’t all be done at once. Then there are two really big jobs: new furnace, the foundation, maybe basement work. Omigosh.

Comment 2024

Priorities have a way of announcing themselves. The water heater died a week after we moved in. And when we refinanced the mortgage a year later, the bank required we replace the roof. I just noticed that neither of those were on my 1985 worry” list”.

1997

A holiday for the kids, but not for me, though I get to meet some of my prospective students. That’s o.k. If I had a day “off” today, I’d still feel compelled to work, since I am a little behind now. But it is not so bad, really…I think I am doing quite well at paying attention to self, family, and the rest. I am neglecting my mother, though. Need to find time for her, too, if only for a phone conversation.

Why am I afraid of her? Is that it?

Comment 2024

Find time, 1997 Jo. She’ll be gone by summer.

1998

I am settling into my routine. This semester is very different, because I only have one “normal” class, which meets MW at 11 AM. I am also supervising about 40 sophomore capstone projects, 6 independent studies in AMST, 3 graduate research projects, 3 MAs, 1 PhD, 1 honors thesis, and at least one directed reading. That’s between 50 and 60 independent projects. No wonder I am both busy and unmoored. My schedule changes weekly, with my walk-in office hours and that one class being the only fixed points. Friday is my “untouchable” research day, and so far it is working.

The most amazing accomplishment of these daily pages is my growing sense of wholeness, of being myself again, no matter where I am or what I am doing. My work-home-play life used to make me feel so fragmented. Now I feel myself moving from place to place and role to role, but always being me. No longer feeling like I left part of me elsewhere, or being stretched like taffy between two roles. I bring myself everywhere; my entire self. So delicious!

I feel best when I’m creating something. Everyday. Even little things.  Even if some things are dead ends. Not every “project” needs to be big. Sometimes its purpose is just to be an experiment, or to answer a single question.

I am trying to write fiction. My main character has a secret admirer. I don’t think I know who it is yet, and I am not sure I ever will. Maybe it doesn’t matter. What would I do, if a bouquet of flowers arrived with no note on a random day? How would it be different is I were 15-year-old Jo, so afraid to be unloved? Would I have imagined different senders? Would I have felt better about myself, or more self-conscious, or both? I think I need to resolve the mystery somehow. But how? Who is the secret admirer? Does knowing/not knowing change her in any way?

Comment 2024

I do not remember this story.

2004

Another great turnout for the PTSA meeting. Just two more to go. (Whew!!) John asked me to be director of undergraduates next year. I miss the chance to plan the big picture, and want the opportunity of reshape the undergraduate curriculum, applying what I have learned working with the living-learning program. So yes. Yes, I’ll do it.

2022

A Wordle Poem

Eliminate
Eliminate
Guess
Guess
Got it.

Wordle 243 5/6

2023

I notice a disturbing pattern. Many of my journal entries start off tame and even superficial, but towards the end, I drop into a more serious place, but just for a line or two. It rarely lasts longer, and I seldom return to that thought. This revelation makes me uneasy. And I feel like doing it again, right now. So I did.