December 27

Our selves are supposed to be our means and our ends. But I want more.

1964

Bob’s off to Westwood for 6 days. And I’m free to do my English project. I think I’ll do it in the natural color of the balsa wood, shading it in black and white. The important thing is to get it done. Speaking of done, Bob’s vest is almost done except for the buttons and buttonholes. Tonight I saw Rudolf Nureyev dance. He’s a 26-year-old Russian ballet dancer and is he good! Next week Jean Paul Vignon is on Ed Sullivan. I think he’s wonderful!!!

Comment 2022

Oh, boy, the hormones were kicking in with a vengeance. For the next couple of years, I was crushing on at dozens of male celebrities and classmates at a time. And yet I also wondered if I was queer. This reveals a lot about my (mis)understanding of sexual attraction and my complete lack of self-awareness. This was my reasoning:

1. I was not a girly girl.

2. I really enjoyed gym class.

3. My name was Jo (maybe my parents really wanted a boy).

4. . Boys were not interested in me.

This is not the first time I had applied my reasoning skills to self-assessment. In sixth grade, I decided that I must be developmentally delayed (in 60s vernacular, “retarded”), despite being in the accelerated class. The evidence? My classmates teased me, while the teachers were super nice. Also, I sometimes made really stupid mistakes. Finally, I believed that if I were really different, I probably wouldn’t know, and would think I was normal. My very own Catch-22!

1977

Finally home after a long, long trip to Connecticut. (Over seven hours of driving) But seeing everyone again was good, even though everyone is starting to age so much. I guess that includes me. Dad seems happy. Mom is still so very bitter and unhappy. I hope she can find some purpose again, and soon.

Archie S is coming for a visit tonight, staying two days. Looking forward to it; we haven’t seen him in several years. I know I won’t get anything done while he’s here. Just like last year, my vacation is going to drain away while I’m still making to-do lists. But I’m impressed: I got up with Jim and did ironing at 7:30 am. Pinch me quick. Now back to work!

Comment 2023

The second Christmas after my parents’ divorce.

1979

This move is actually turning out to be a good thing. It’s forcing me to spend lots of time getting all my little things in order. Also tossing out useless items, or donating them to charity. It occurred to me that I really do enjoy a fairly relaxed lifestyle. I am NOT an energetic go-getter. I can be for short sprints: a lecture, or a meeting, or a party. But a whole week, to even a day, of high energy? It ain’t me, Babe. I have to start being more realistic when asked to commit myself. No More Commitments For Spring Semester! Maybe just the lecture for Jack, if he can schedule it during spring break.

Next week: settling in and starting over! It is an amazing way to get a fresh start.

Comment 2023

Just a few more days until moving day!

1980

We had a really nice getaway to Annapolis. Strolling, eating, and making love like sweethearts. It’s been almost thirteen years since we first fell in love. All the time, our relationship has shifted. My need then was for identity; now I want comfort and stability. Love changes, but it is still love. Boy is that shallow! I imagine that shadowy reader in the future smiling in amusement. If I live to be older than Methuselah, I will never understand all there is to being human. My writing will always be trite and common. There are only so many words and I only know so many ways to arrange them.

I told Bob, or tried to tell him, that I felt I had much to offer. He interpreted that as “having much to express”. It’s not the same. It’s a sense of mission, of being here for some reason besides my own satisfaction. That’s pretentious, I know. Our selves are supposed to be our means and our ends. But I want more.

1982

We just got back from our annual Christmas trip to Connecticut. Three days in Hartford, two days in Washington, two days in New Milford. I’m exhausted and disoriented. I just took nap and woke up not sure where I was. Kiddo bore up well considering the craziness of the schedule and all the new faces. Being well-behaved, quiet, and cute certainly starts a kid off on the right foot.

Tomorrow Connie and Jack arrive for a five-day visit. Today I’m cleaning and organizing, for all the good it will do. At least Connie is a good enough friend that she won’t subject the house to the “white glove” test.

I sent out cards this year but no notes as I usually do. Now I am seized with the urge to drop everyone on my list a line. It would be nice to keep in touch better with everyone.

So now a month stretches before me until the spring semester begins. I must select a few important things to accomplish in that time. Today I do my calendar.

Comment 2023

Holiday cards? Hahahahahahahaha

1986

Mom’s recovery is really miraculous. In just the last three weeks she’s really gotten back to her old self. Better, in some ways. Me, too.

2012

While the politicians dance on the edge of the fiscal cliff, I stand on the edge of a deep pool/ So many new tasks, so many old unfinished ones.

It’s a sunny, cold and windy day, after a gray west one. The squirrels are out and our visiting dig, Colby Jack, is mesmerized. He sits on the red sofa, watching “squirrel TV”.

It is time to start focusing on the book in earnest. It scares the hell out of me. I am so short on research. But still, it’s time.

Comment 2023

It is a strange thing. I put off writing until I have “enough” research. I did it in 2012, and now I am doing it again.

2004

Christmas has come and gone - - a nice holiday this year, though not enough of it, thanks to work. I was feeling melancholy right up until Christmas Eve, missing Mom.

2017

Today is Wednesday.

It has been a busy time! The usual holiday rush, all of it very pleasant. Revels was amazing and I have a notion to volunteer for their events as a stitch kin/wardrobe person. Our trivia team made the finals, which is on yet another memorial service day.

Christmas music at church was mostly good, except for Riu Riu Chiu and The Angel Gabriel. I am getting tired of both of them, and they are also way too powerful as earworms. I had many good times with friends new and old.

Today I will be home all day. Ahhhhhhhhh.

I had the most fun making Grandkiddo 2’s presents: two small music boxes with Beatles tunes. They were a definite hit.

Tarot says:

She controls who comes in and who stays out and when. She needs peaceful time and nurturing space to be with herself. Perhaps she needs space to be creative.

Well, perhaps she does.

Comment 2024

We are performing “Riu, Riu, Chiu” twice this weekend with the Village Early Music ensemble. It has grown on me; I like it now, even if it is a powerful earworm.

Fun fact: The Monkees made it famous.

2023

Writers’ Group meeting tomorrow! Horrors! Getter get cracking.