August 28

I remember the dress better than I remember what was going on inside my head.

1986

Mom finally had to be hospitalized on Tuesday. I’m hoping that she’ll be well enough to be out in a few weeks, but must wait and see.  At least she’s where someone can watch her all the time and where she’s getting treatment, which she wouldn’t get at home with us.  The most burdensome thing is the time involved in taking over her affairs, getting power of attorney, going to Largo and getting her mail, etc. But just in one day she seemed more energetic and brighter. I know I can’t expect recovery to be that dramatic, but at least she seems better. When she’s released, I think she’ll be with us for a little bit. Can’t see her going to back to her apartment.

One thing I learned is that psychiatric emergencies are not handled very well. Break your ankle and you’re taken care of. Have a mental breakdown and you’d better be prepared to spend a while on the phone finding treatment and  then more time waiting to see the doctor you finally do find.

1997

Odd. Even with classes starting next week, I don’t feel rushed. If anything, after an hour in my “physical” room, and a short spiritual reading, I feel at peace and yet energized. A glance out of my window caught four fledgling cardinals hopping around near the fence in the backyard. One was tugging at a vine. I could hear an adult peeping nearby, but couldn’t see it. Other animals know what to do with their nearly-grown offspring. Let them loose to explore, but hover unseen nearby. Nice trick, if you can do it.

2014 (Star Island)

I found myself once more debating the tension between art and craft, and as always, gravitating towards craft. I love learning how to do things. Trying a new tool. Mastering a technique. In everyday speech, they either get conflated or one is held higher than the other. But without craft, art has no voice. 

My third day of chair caning. I approach the task with a mix of certainty (I have learned some things!) and hesitation (there is so much I still don’t know). I know the cane I wove yesterday must be wetted down. It has dried and the splices have become loose. Today I learn to do a seat, after re-caning two backs. The set-up is different. 

Also: that massage was AWESOME.

POEM:

Two backs and a seat

“What did you do at Star Island?”
“Well…”, she said slowly, remembering…

Seven sunrises
Seven sunsets
Eight or ten naps
Two novels
Four drawings
Thirteen desserts, all delicious
A pair of lobsters, ditto

And

I met Tom Sawyer caning chairs, and asked him to show me how.
Two backs and a seat later, the blue sea broke my heart.

“…not much.”

2023

Today’s to-do list:

Though I have a couple of small tasks to do for the Foreign Film group today, My main focus is piece I am re-re-re-re-revising for Gender Mystique. The original version was a chapter about the sex/gender rules in children’s clothing in the 1950s. The next several revisions brought my own girlhood into the narrative more and more, until I gave up trying to mesh the two. Now I am back, seeing what it feels like to put myself at the center.

Here’s the original photo of me at seven, posing in my favorite dress. The problem: I remember the dress better than I remember what was going on inside my head. Wish me luck!

However the day goes, I get to go see a movie with one of my besties. Hooray!

2024

Someone buy me a beer. I just submitted that goddamn book review.