April 30

More trash talk about V, some serious talk about abortion

1965

I had a boomerang I got last year and was fooling around with it in the field next to the HS and GUESS WHO WAS THERE!!! Yes -- V After track and baseball practice was over I went down to the BB field to throw my boomerang around . Well, V was driving away and shouting something at me. I didn't hear it, I bet it was insulting.

Comment 2023

I'll bet it was "Stop stalking me!"

1983

Amazing! Just a year ago I was dozing off after a romantic evening with Jim. Just a year ago tomorrow morning I was looking at Kid 1, wet and wonderful, curled up against the sudden chill of the delivery room. What a year for all of us!

And how bizarre life is. The condom broke a few days ago; panic and avoidance ever since. What would we do if I were pregnant? The idea of an abortion upsets me. Yet there isn’t the room right now for a second child. Not in our house, not in our lives. What an irony. Such a contrast with Kid 1’s joyous conception, anticipation and arrival. But do we have the right to end a life, even a life that small? I remember hearing Maria’s heartbeat for the first time, and feeling those faint kicks at Christmastime. I want that again, not resentment and anxiety.

I place my hand on my stomach and say, “not now”, but who listens? Who am I talking to? I try not to name it, to call it into existence. Balancing life or death against convenience seems out of proportion and crazy.

That’s a decision I don’t want to make. So I’ll wait and hope I don’t have to.

Comment 2023

I won’t make you wait to see how this turns out; I wasn’t pregnant. At 34, with a long-awaited baby, I could imagine someone deciding to terminate a pregnancy because of “convenience”. I have learned otherwise. I now know many people who have faced that decision, and understand how difficult it is. When I was advised to have amniocentesis a few years later because of my “advanced maternal age”, I agreed, knowing that one possible outcome was having to face a hard decision again. By then I had a friend who had a son with Down’s and had declined amnio because she did not want to know and was willing to have a second child regardless. Once again, I was spared that decision; the result was a “chromosomally normal” male.

When I think of all the hard decisions I have made, I know one thing for sure: it would have been worse to have someone else make them for me.  

1997

No, things are fine. They just take effort, and wither with neglect. (Like everything worth doing and having.) My hair is a mess but I am longing to start my day. So here I go!

Comment 2023

I am very relieved that whatever was going on with us in 1997, I didn’t share the gory details with future me.

2023

Looking ahead to another wet, chilly week. Die, pollen, die!!!!

No, actually I am looking ahead to two movie nights with friends (Zorba on Wednesday, Pathaan for the 4^th time  on Thursday). Last night I dreamt about making baklava for Zorba. Next weekend I am heading to the Maryland Sheep and Wool festival  with a knitting buddy. And of course, hoping to find time to see my May Day baby and give them a big hug.

2024

The birthday hug will have to wait, as Kiddo 1 is sick. However, I will be enjoying movie night with friends on Thursday (Gangubai Kathiawadi) and Maryland Sheep and Wool festival with my knitting buddy this weekend. Life spirals on…